Me Times Three

 
As I was trying to wrangle all 3 kids by myself at bedtime last week, I begin to think about how nice it would be if there were 3 of me.  Those nights when my husband is working night shift and I am being pulled between bigger boys who want help getting pjs on, brushing teeth, and having a story read to them all while baby is getting fussy and wanting to be cuddled/fed are almost enough to make me crazy. Somebody's needs are always being put on hold and by the time all is said and done I am just worn down. That particular night I let my imagination wonder to a place where there were three of me, one for each child. They would never want for my attention because there would be a mommy for each of them. This surely would make life easier.

I figured as long as I was going down this path, why not clone myself a few more times and really make life easy. I decided that 6 of me would be enough to get the job done. As I said earlier, 3 of my clones would be devoted to my children. Number 4 would be for my husband. Not that he is overly needy but it sure would be nice to meet his every need and make him feel like he is my number one priority (not that I have ever been great at that but it certainly doesn't happen now that the kids are here and so demanding of my time and attention). This clone would be the one that is always dolled up and smelling good. She would pack all his lunches for him, let him put his feet up when he got home from work, listen to all his stories with full attention, and keep him satisfied in the bedroom. Wouldn't I have one happy husband?

Number 5 would be the work horse clone. She would be the one who accomplished everything around the house as well as attending all of my weekly commitments outside the house. The laundry would always be done, dishes caught up, bathrooms cleaned, yard work completed, meals on the table and when she was done with that she would rush off to attend whatever I had planned that day. How nice would it be to have someone like this around...I think she would be my favorite.

And then there would be number 6. She would be the me that I would be if there were no kids, no husband, no work, no obligation. She gets to do all the fun and leisurely things that so often don't make it on the list. She would sleep in, drink coffee in her pjs while watching her favorite morning shows, bake for fun, do crafts to her hearts content, shop for hours on end, read a book from cover to cover in one sitting, talk on the phone to friends with no interruptions...the list goes on. She would have the good life!

Breaking it up into separate categories like this really makes me realize what all comes with my job. I have a lot on my plate and often that comes with the feeling that I cannot possibly get it all done. But when I stop and think about it I realize that God did not make us clones for a reason. We are each unique and each made for a purpose. He knows the plans he has for us and they are all capable of being completed in the time lines he has provided. If there is more on our plate then we can accomplish, it is most likely our priorities that need changing. I noticed right away that 4 of my 6 clones were devoted to my family. That right there tells me how important they are too me and so that is where I should be spending most of my time. The other stuff is secondary and shouldn't hold such importance in my life. Of course there needs to be balance in all things. There is room for me time and chores are a necessary part of life. But what should come first and be top priority is how I distribute my time between my boys and my husband. I may dream about a life with more than one me, but I am grateful for the one life I have been given. Hectic days, messy house and all.

Mommy Meltdown

I wish I could tell you all that I had it all together all the time. Shoot, I wish I could just pretend that about myself! But the truth is, sometimes it is hard. Sometimes things pile on top of each other until I just can't take it anymore. This leads to what I like to call a mommy meltdown.

Now meltdowns aren't something that just started happening once I had children. I have them from time to time when life becomes overwhelming. I suspect that if I were to ask my mom about it she would confirm that this has been going on since I was old enough to whine or through myself on the floor. But mommy meltdowns are a whole new level of losing it. Maybe because once you become a mom you start juggling a lot more. I can handle a lot more on my plate then I could pre-kids and be okay. But when the right circumstances hit, when you combine new baby with things piling up around the house and new responsibilities outside the house, you create the perfect storm.
I had said meltdown last night. Fortunately not taking it out on my children, which I hate to admit does happen from time to time, but instead in the form of losing it in front of my husband. The whole self-deprecating speal, with tears of course, about how I am a failure and not cutting it and can't do what other moms/wives seem to be able to do. Of course my husband being the amazing man he is and having been subjected to such tirades for the past 7 and 1/2 years, knew exactly what to do. First he tried countering my negativity by telling me all the things I DO get done and that I shouldn't compare myself to others and that I don't give myself enough credit. This didn't work to calm me down but it is always nice to hear that he feels that way. He then did the thing that always makes the biggest difference and asked, "What do you need me to do?" These seven words are always enough to bring me down from my ledge. It is like in a movie when someone is threatening to jump, and you know they don't really want to, and someone peeks their head out of the window to talk them down. Just having that support and knowing someone is there for you can be enough to change the situation.
In talking through the things that I needed help with to feel like I could get done what I wanted to and attempt to be the person I want to be, we came up with some good stuff. He has also been great at reminding me that I always feel this way when we have a baby in the house and that this too shall pass. He is right. I wish I didn't need such frequent reminders lately but that is why I am so glad he is here. I can't even begin to imagine trying to walk this road all by myself. More than being for me in that moment, as if that wasn't enough, he is forcing offering to give me some much needed "me" time on Friday morning. From getting up and getting only myself ready while he prepares the kids to having an hour to hit a coffee shop all by myself. He is going to tackle all 3 kids for the morning so that I can have some peace and hopefully regain my sanity for another week What a wonderful man!! He knows me so well and this is exactly the kind of thing that will recharge my batteries and help me to do my job as wife and mother that much better.
I wish I could say I was perfect. But I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone on this imperfect journey. Here's hoping the next mommy meltdown is miles away!

These are the sounds of my house

I remember a day pre-kids when 5:45 am was an awakening time saved for the rarest occasion. A fishing trip, an opening shift at McDonalds, or a procrastinated project to finish in college. And I can probably count all of these times on one hand. But ever since Nathan was born, 5:45 has become an all too familiar wake-up time. I have never been a big fan of extra sleep as there is just too much to do and there is so much  I might miss out on if I am sleeping. I think that this is one of the many ways Nathan is just like me. Now over the last year or two it has gotten better. Depending on whether or not he napped and what time he went to bed he will stretch out his wake-up time until 6:30 or 7:00. This may seem early to most but it feels like sleeping in around here. Of course now that Isaiah is here he presents a whole new factor in when we wake-up.

Last night Jeremy worked night shift so in typical fashion I didn't get to bed until around midnight. For those of you who have to spend evenings alone for whatever reason, do you find it as hard as I do to crawl into bed without your spouse? Maybe it will get easier over time but since he is on rotating shifts I go through this every two weeks and it doesn't seem to get better. Anyway, Isaiah started fussing shortly after 1:00 so I sleepily dragged myself to his room and brought him back into my bed where I could nurse him and drift off to sleep. Fast forward to 5:30 and I can tell that nursing and snuggling is no longer going to cut it to keep him asleep. Jeremy must have gotten off work early because when I stretched out I found him passed out on his side of the bed. As I laid there trying to soak up every last minute that Isaiah would give me before it was absolutely necessary to get up with him, I heard stirrings from Thing 1 and Thing 2. Sure enough within 5 minutes half the lights in the house were on and they were on a mission to find something fun to play with. I knew I needed to track down a binky but was dreading leaving my dark warm room for the colder and way too brightly lit living room. Nonetheless I drug myself out of bed and fumbled into the living room grabbing for a binky in the last spot I remembered putting it. I found the boys at the living room table playing their new Go Fish game and reminded them to do so quietly so that the rest of us could get a little more sleep.

At this point I went back into my room and as I was wrapping Isaiah up tightly in his blanket I happened to glance up at the clock. 5:45 was staring back at me. I don't know what it is about that number but it just must be my fate. I began rocking and shushing my fussy baby and the sounds of the house became ever noticeable. Jeremy was snoring as so often is the case after his first night shift and being up for almost 24 hours straight. Grace, our clingy cat who is only comforted by my presence in a room, must have heard me stirring and was planted firmly outside my door crying for me to come out and keep her safe. The soundtrack began to play in a somewhat cohesive rhythm of snore, snore, rock, rock, shush, shush, MEEEOOOWW, "Brother, I got a 4!". This combination of noise could drive a sane person crazy at this hour in the morning, but for me, these are the sounds of my house. And while I would never turn down some extra sleep, I wouldn't trade in these noises for the silence we used to know.